Translated from original text originally appearing in M-Gazette vol. 24, May 1999.
INOKAN-chan's Problem:
I've been dating someone for about two years now. We've kissed, and now I've become bored with it. The first time we kissed, it was such a shock I thought I was going to die. But, we've never kissed deeply before. You see it all the time in manga and stuff like that, but how exactly do you do it? At the worst, if I have to do it, what's the best way to go about it? I can't ask my friends a question like this, so please give me your advice.
yasu-sensei's Response: Oh, sender of this letter, you've allowed me to see so deeply into your very soul. I'm so happy~ ♥ Since even yasu-sama's first kiss was in the winter of his third year of middle school and he didn't know a thing about that kind of stuff either, it's okay not to know, I think. But, since it's never a bad thing to know something, I'll teach you.
First, before you put your tongue into the other person's mouth, let them know playfully, and then try putting your tongue in there. Right after that, try nibbling on their lower lip. In any case, it's always fun to try playing a game with it where you use your tongue to try and invade the other person's mouth, and keep them out of your own.
From time to time, try licking the gumline, or their eyes, just a bit. Doing that, with something really kinky, it'll make it so you'll want him so bad that just your virginity is in the way, right? In the end, with that experience, you should be able to come in contact with that part of yourself that wants to feel everything in the universe!!
(Finished in an hour)
Kimiko-chan's Problem:
Recently, after I've finished eating, something in my stomach is making these little noises. Several times a day, there's this little "kuuu" sound. Please tell me how to stop the sound, or even better, something delicious I can eat to make it stop.
kiyo-sensei's Response: To the one making all those guruguruguru noises:
My answer for you is to have more self-confidence in your bright future. Though I'm not blaming you or anything like that...um...so, those noises not when you're hungry, but after you've just eaten...I get those too. I get them a lot, actually. As for how to calm them, first of all, don't eat until you're just half-full, make sure to eat until you're actually satisfied. That's very important. Since it's me telling you this, you're not responsible for what happens as a result...so, you're thinking, "I don't know about this..."? That's to be expected, so why don't you try eating a little more slowly, then? (Though that might have the opposite effect...it's a case of "if that button doesn't work, try this one") If after you try that, you still have the same problem, or if you have gas at the same time, to the point where you start to wonder if you can actually eat at a counter with someone sitting next to you, or if the noise starts spouting from your mouth too, I'm sorry. There's not much I can do for you
then.
Slave Azusa-chan's Problem:
Lately, whenever I have sex, I can only think about yasu. Before that, there have been times when I've been in the middle of it, and screamed, "Aaaaah, yasu-sama! More~!"
What should my obedient self do? I'm in serious trouble, please be so kind as to tell me what to do!
yasu-sensei's Response: Ah, this is a bit of a hard one...
So, then, first of all, command your boyfriend, "Start a band!", and then have him try growing his hair out. Once it gets to the middle of his back, then give him the order to get it permed, immediately, and be sure that he gets it done to a burnt-brown color. And then, get him to start practicing guitar at a tempo of 200, and then when the motion of his fingers is divinely skilled, try once again, telling him, "Play me like your guitar!! Play the very melody of God upon me!!" Surely, that will take you to a world of delight you have never experienced before. If even then you scream out in the middle of it, "Aaa~♥ Yasu, more~♥", then please come and visit yasu-sama in his office together. I'll give you a tool that will allow you to have sex all by yourself...
(Finished in two hours)
Kiachi-chan's Problem: I'm going to be moving in April so that I can go to a vocational school. I'm from a really rural area, but I'm moving to Tokyo. Until last year, I thought it sounded like a lot of fun, but I've been getting increasingly nervous about it. There are so many people there, too...what should I do, so that people don't immediately think that I'm just some country bumpkin?
shuji-sensei's Response: To be entirely honest, all of us are from a really rural area too, so we were all very shocked when we arrived in Tokyo and saw how many people there really were. There were so many people around Shibuya especially, and it wasn't so much surprise for me as the feeling that it was just really crowded. But, I think that if you give it about three days or so, you'll get used to there being so many people. And then, there are really cramped places, like live houses, that are still a lot of fun, so what do you do about that? To that, I say, it's okay if people think that you're not from around here, after all, we too get gossiped about and told that we're just country bumpkins sometimes, too. Actually, about half the people that live here in the city move here first from another place, so is it only me who wonders what the native city folk would do, on the other hand, if they had to move where we came from? Eh, well, since we're all the same Japanese people in the end, I don't
think going to Tokyo is really anything to worry about, after all, we did it too, right?! Just give it your best, Kiachi-chan.
Asami-chan's Problem:
I have a cat here at home, her name is Miita. Miita always pees in my slippers whenever I leave home, leaving me to believe that it might be better to just not have them at all. How can I fix this problem?
you-sensei's Response: Actually, my own cat, Geruma-kun, used to do the same thing in our slippers a long time ago. Geruma-kun used to be an even bigger problem, doing it on top of Youko (my mom)'s futon. If someone was around to watch him, of course he wouldn't try it, but as soon as no one was around, there it was. It looks like that kind of thing is just part of life, for a cat. It might be that if they know that it's bad for them to pee in your slippers, or on top of a futon, it becomes fun for them. (I think my cat is getting to be afraid of those places for a moment, though...isn't that strange?) Anyway, as for what you should do, in Geruma-kun's case, Youko just kicked him off of it with her heel. (True story.) And then, she'd take him over to where cats are supposed to go to the bathroom, and for about an hour, she'd just point to the four corners of the box and say, "Why can't you do it here?!" but, it was really a pain, because Geruma-kun didn't have a leash or anything like that. Maybe
if you tried that, Miita would stop doing it in your slippers?
Rise-chan's Problem: A while ago, I was talking to my mom, and she asked me "What are you going to do in the future?", and I responded, "Be ka-yu's wife!" She got a little upset, and said, "Please, marry you-chan instead!!" Even though I should really be together with ka-yu...it's bothering me so much, I can't sleep at night, so please tell me what I should do!
ka-yu-sensei's Response: Why does it have to be me?! Because I only tell dirty jokes? Masturbation, sex, no, no, really, what's your real reason for not being able to sleep at night? Really, are you so troubled by thinking about it that you can't sleep at night? Since you're thinking about it so much that it could turn into a neurosis of some kind, please get help! Eh, but, I do think that if you really do have feelings about me that are that strong, having someone disagree with you shouldn't be much of a problem, right, honey~? ♥ If that's the case, then the love you feel for me should be enough. What if I told you to go and be with you-san, huh? Though I might feel like I've lost to him a little bit...though it isn't about winning or losing, really...but, how would you-san be for you? What about yasu, or kiyo, or shuji, is there no hope for them? Ah~now I'm in trouble!!